Worry like I have never felt before

Wednesday, March 13, 2014. Probably a date that will stand out in my life for me. February 12, 2013 is also a day where my strength was tested. Haven't I gone through enough hardship? Do I really deserve for this to be happening to me?

I received a call from my doctor's office while I was in the shower, Cam came in smiling and said "you're a popular person" and gave me a message that I needed to call the office right back. The smile dropped from my face, the lump re-appeared in my throat and a feeling of panic came over me. Shaking I called the office back and was told that Dr Tahira needed to see me today and that I could come in the morning and just wait for her to fit me in between patients. I texted Jason who was at an appointment with Jordan. The minutes crawled by until he got home.

As soon as Dr Tahira came into the office. I knew. She sat down and looked me in the eye and said "I'm sorry, it's not good". I was strangely calm. She explained that the ct scan had unfortunately shown a small mass in the anterior section of the mediastinum and that there were "many" enlarged lymph nodes through my chest. The recommendation was that I have a guided CT scan or guided ultrasound biopsy to confirm lymphoma.

It was somewhere around there that I began to crumble. Slowly dissolve into a haze of disbelief. Really? This is really happening to me? Through my tears, she explained the only way they can really know it's cancer was to do the biopsy. Jason asked whether the lymph nodes in my chest could be due to infection, she shook her head no. She said many times, over the course of our conversation, we don't know.

Her compassion began to show during the past appointments. It just shows how important it is to have a relationship with your doctor. I have been missing out on that but maybe just maybe this is the beginning of a positive one. I am all about relationships so it has been incredibly difficult for me not to have that. I shared my increasing and overwhelming feelings of anxiety with her and she supportively prescribed me some meds to help me get through the next few weeks which undoubtedly will still be wrought with uncertainty and worry.