A Jumble

These past few days have been such a mixture of ups and downs, good and not so good. I have been processing and turning around this blog post in my head trying to figure out what I want to say. I knew that I had this need to write. As I have said before, this blog is more of an outlet for me to write and express myself and my own feelings as I continue through this journey that I have before me. I am just a jumble of what I want to say. I am torn between not wanting to sound as though I am re-stating the obvious once again, that I am finding these past few treatments incredibly hard and the fatigue crippling or on the other hand, how I am going to kick cancer's ass and how strong I have been. I am somewhere a jumble in between.

As I sit here today, I am one week away from my LAST chemotherapy treatment. My 12th treatment. A feat that back on April 22 seemed so unsurmountable and overwhelming. And I did it! Yes it has been hard, and yes I do not wish anyone to have to go through this. But I am facing my final chemotherapy treatment knowing that I am in remission and presently cancer-free.

How blessed am I?

So in the dark moments of loneliness during the months of September when everyone has returned to their lives of school and work, I am trying to remind myself that this is a temporary state of mind. I cannot let it get me down. I am almost there. One more treatment to endure, one more jumble of days where I am sleeping constantly, in pain, nauseous and unable to walk up the stairs without help. The sun continues to shine behind those clouds and little by little, day by day I am going to get stronger again. I cannot lose my faith. It will get better.

I also have to say thank you. (See I told you I was a jumble, I'm all over the place here.) Thank you to everyone who takes the time out of their busy lives to send me a text, a card in the mail, bake sweet treats for my family, an extra meal for us, a phone call, a well-placed visit even for a few minutes. Every single one of those special choices makes my day go by a little faster and reminds me that I am not alone in this. There are so many of you who have helped love our kids, make them feel like part of your family, provided drives to gymnastics and hockey. Cancer has shown my kids to be extra grateful to all the people in our lives who love us. It has given them a whole new appreciation of friendship and family. I think both Cam and Jordan are so much more aware of helping others and doing things for other families because we care, because that's what we do. So thank you for being such a wonderful example of love to Cam and Jordan. It has not gone unnoticed. They are very aware of all the wonderful things that have come our way.

Thank you for listening, for reading and for helping me sort through this jumble of feelings, fears and struggles that cancer has brought to our lives.