Healing from the Outside In

I began attending a Yoga Thrive class at Hopesprings Cancer Centre in January. This is a 7 week program that is a research based therapeutic yoga program designed to benefit cancer patients and post treatment survivors. It benefits those with stiffness, pain, stress or fatigue. It incorporates (from the website): 
- relaxation techniques - decrease stress and help insomnia 
- breath work - diffuse anxiety and use to help in the healing process 
- yoga poses - improve or restore strength, flexibility and balance 
- core/pelvic floor - another important aspect of recover is good pelvic floor health and these gentle exercises help you properly use your core   

I highly recommend this program or the Gentle Yoga classes for anyone currently in treatment or recovering from treatment. It has been highly therapuetic for me not only to begin to improve my strength and flexibility but to engage in healing my inner soul and address the emotional/mental aspect of recovering from cancer treatment. I always leave there feeling grounded and feel surrounded by others who are successfully making the transition back to normalcy.

Last month a good friend introduced me to Hot Yoga at Moksha Yoga. I fully believe that I have found a practice that speaks to me. I didn't realize how much I needed to learn to heal and take care of myself from the inside. I have noticed a major reduction in the anxiety and worry that I have been feeling. I believe that I am sleeping much better and have learned that an anxiety trigger for me is lack of sleep. I have made a commitment and goal to myself that I will practice 2-3 times a week until I return to work. Already I can see a physical difference in my strength, flexibility and weight. I have never made the time in my life to look inward and discover myself. This is another gift I hope to take away from this experience. I really do feel that six months now after my last chemotherapy treatment that I have truly rounded a corner and reached the top of a very long hill. I am feeling great!

I continue to be reminded of how blessed I am to have such wonderful people in my life. In the spirit of my ongoing bucket list, Cailin found a precious little book that reminds us all to take joy in the small simple things in life. Thank you for your friendship Cailin, you are "one of my people." I hope to embrace the next few months to enjoy life around me and get myself ready to return to work and move forward and leave cancer behind me. Many excellent plans to look forward to: Luke Bryan with Jordan - bucket list - check!, Girls Getaway weekend in Point Clark, Mother's Day brunch, May long weekend neighbour fireworks, Yurting ladies weekend at the cottage, camping at McGregor Point and many relaxing days in the backyard with my family. Take care of yourself inside and out. Tell someone you love them. Remember you never know the battle someone else is facing. 

Remembering to Swim

I have reached the 6 month mark since my last chemotherapy treatment. This was the magic point where I was supposed to be all healed and ready to return to work and life would be back to normal. A year ago on April 17, 2014 when I first sat in Dr Steven's office and he told me to look at my treatment plan as a maternity leave and that I would be off work for at least a year, I remember thinking.... "yeah right, I would be back after Christmas or after March Break at the latest."

Fast forward now to April 2015, while I continue to remain in remission, and physically the effects of my treatment have begun to fade, I have been shocked at the mental and emotional struggle that has come along with being a survivor. Worrying and anxiety can be exhausting and while my inner mind tells me that many of the physical symptoms I believe I am feeling are "all in my head", the mind is a powerful force. There have definitely been days where I have taken on too many tasks and have been fatigued and tired by the time my family has returned home from work and school, it is more the emotional toll that having cancer that has weighted me down. I have taken steps to meet this challenge; attending yoga classes at both Hopespring Cancer Centre and Moksha Hot Yoga as well as seeking a referral for therapy to help me better deal with how my mind can take over and cause me to worry. I realize there is no perfect solution and that it is very normal for patients to have difficulties with anxiety, worry and physical symptoms of this. But it is clear to me that I need some assistance with this. I need some help steering this ship.

At my last appointment with Dr Stevens, he wholeheartedly encouraged me to remain off work until September and use the next few months to build my strength physically and emotionally. To stop trying to tread water so quickly and remember what it's like to swim. I thank my medical team for validating this need and taking this very tough decision off my plate. And so I look forward to the opportunity to "love to swim" and enjoy life as a mother and wife, have the time to be a great friend, cheerleader and support system to so many who stepped up for me.

My next appointment with my oncologist is at the end of May. Between now and then, I am looking to check into my thyroid functioning (as I have been diagnosed with hypothyroidism), pursuing an allergy referral as there have been some reactions that need to be checked out. Staying on top of advocating for my medical concerns is important and will hopefully also help with the anxiety of feeling like "something is wrong".

I enjoyed a wonderful get-away with Jason to Punta Cana for our own celebration of my cancer remission and an opportunity for us to re-connect as a couple rather than care-giver and patient as it has been for really the last two years. Our family continues to check off our "bucket list items" of what we look forward to doing when Mom's cancer treatment is over. It feels like such a great accomplishment to be able to meet those goals. Love you all and I am grateful for the warmer days and sunshine that shines on us.

Don't Stop Thinking About Tomorrow

Don't Stop 

Fleetwood Mac

If you wake up and don't want to smile
If it take just a little while
Open your eyes and look at the day
You'll see things in a different way

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone

Why not think about times to come
And not about the things that you've done
If your life was bad to you
Just think what tomorrow will do

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone

All I want is to see you smile
If it takes just a little while
I know you don't believe that it's true
I never meant any harm to you

Don't stop thinking about tomorrow
Don't stop, it'll soon be here
It'll be, better than before,
Yesterday's gone, yesterday's gone

Ooh, don't you look back

The past month while I have been greatly struggling with anxiety and the emotional aspects of cancer, I have enjoyed increased strength and energy levels. I am beginning to be able to live a "new" normal kind of life and have started checking off some bucket list items and things I am looking forward to once again be able to do from the  I Can't Wait (from September blog post) . Last night we checked off another bucket list item by going to the Fleetwood Mac concert. Songbird was fittingly the last song of the evening and was Jason and my first dance song at our wedding 18 years ago. Even more appropriate to my life right now is one of my favourite all time songs. Don't Stop. Looking at the lyrics I am able to see the relevance to what I have been going through emotionally. Cancer is behind me and I am trying to not look back. Some days are better than others but I have to truly believe that yesterday's gone. I am recovering today. I am so tired, climbing up to our seats in the true nosebleeds while worth every step took a lot out of me today and today I can feel it. Nevertheless, I did it!! Check!!!

A Jumble

These past few days have been such a mixture of ups and downs, good and not so good. I have been processing and turning around this blog post in my head trying to figure out what I want to say. I knew that I had this need to write. As I have said before, this blog is more of an outlet for me to write and express myself and my own feelings as I continue through this journey that I have before me. I am just a jumble of what I want to say. I am torn between not wanting to sound as though I am re-stating the obvious once again, that I am finding these past few treatments incredibly hard and the fatigue crippling or on the other hand, how I am going to kick cancer's ass and how strong I have been. I am somewhere a jumble in between.

As I sit here today, I am one week away from my LAST chemotherapy treatment. My 12th treatment. A feat that back on April 22 seemed so unsurmountable and overwhelming. And I did it! Yes it has been hard, and yes I do not wish anyone to have to go through this. But I am facing my final chemotherapy treatment knowing that I am in remission and presently cancer-free.

How blessed am I?

So in the dark moments of loneliness during the months of September when everyone has returned to their lives of school and work, I am trying to remind myself that this is a temporary state of mind. I cannot let it get me down. I am almost there. One more treatment to endure, one more jumble of days where I am sleeping constantly, in pain, nauseous and unable to walk up the stairs without help. The sun continues to shine behind those clouds and little by little, day by day I am going to get stronger again. I cannot lose my faith. It will get better.

I also have to say thank you. (See I told you I was a jumble, I'm all over the place here.) Thank you to everyone who takes the time out of their busy lives to send me a text, a card in the mail, bake sweet treats for my family, an extra meal for us, a phone call, a well-placed visit even for a few minutes. Every single one of those special choices makes my day go by a little faster and reminds me that I am not alone in this. There are so many of you who have helped love our kids, make them feel like part of your family, provided drives to gymnastics and hockey. Cancer has shown my kids to be extra grateful to all the people in our lives who love us. It has given them a whole new appreciation of friendship and family. I think both Cam and Jordan are so much more aware of helping others and doing things for other families because we care, because that's what we do. So thank you for being such a wonderful example of love to Cam and Jordan. It has not gone unnoticed. They are very aware of all the wonderful things that have come our way.

Thank you for listening, for reading and for helping me sort through this jumble of feelings, fears and struggles that cancer has brought to our lives.