Inching my way towards a cure.

Golden Buzzers

As the end of 2018 approaches, I am reflective and melancholy. It is now 4 years that I have been in remission. We are heading into 2019, the year that I have had circled in my head for the past 48 months, I remember I used to count the number of months that I was in remission. Then I was able to count years. . If I can make it to 5 years, then I am considered cured of Hodgkins Lymphoma and no longer a patient in remission from Hodgkins.

Being a cancer survivor changes your life. Every moment means something. Every decision you weigh carefully. Sometimes I take life too seriously and sometimes I am impulsive, without a care in the world. It is difficult tight rope to balance.

We are planning a celebration for the five year anniversary. A fundraiser, a way to give back. A way to recognize that I have beat this disease. I still feel like I am holding my breath, waiting for something bad to happen. I don’t want to hold the event too early, because what if. What if the cancer comes back. What if I have to face it again? The chances and percentages are stacked against me regardless of the number of months or years that go by.

I am grateful for so many new experiences. Opportunities that I feel like I have been able to take, that if my treatment had not been successful that we would not have been able to complete. Items checked off on the bucket list.

I love watching golden buzzer videos. Love seeing the looks on the performers faces when the golden tickets come raining down. It is pure happiness. That is exactly how I felt when learned that my twelve chemotherapy treatments were successful and I was in remission, That is how I feel most every day. So grateful, so relieved and so blessed to have the life that we do.

I wonder sometimes how it feels after the golden buzzers and shows are all over and people go back to living their old lives. How does it feel to go back to ordinary lives, with real life worries and stress. After that moment of being on stage and having that experience. It is hard going back. It hard to continue to seek those golden buzzer moments. Your loved ones treat you differently. Sometimes it’s like that after having cancer. You seek out many golden buzzer moments, you seek out those feelings of exhilaration and happiness. You live your life just a tiny bit differently, sometimes wanting and needing more. But worrying that if you achieve it, that it will come to an end.

Life becomes a series of bucket list moments because you are never really sure when you won’t be able to continue checking off those items. I continue to try and live my life with balance, without regret but with a new unwanted caution. The carefree attitude changes with cancer. I have said to many people, I hate that it has done that to me.

January 2, I have an appointment at the cancer centre, every 6 months for 10 years, I will have these appointments. They are anxiety provoking but after they are over, they are affirming and a relief. I know in my heart, that all is ok. And that I have 2019 to look forward to. The year of the cure.

Merry Christmas and Happy 2019.