Golden Buzzers
As the end of 2018
approaches, I am reflective and melancholy. It is now 4 years that I have been
in remission. We are heading into 2019, the year that I have had circled in my
head for the past 48 months, I remember I used to count the number of months that
I was in remission. Then I was able to count years. . If I can make it to 5
years, then I am considered cured of Hodgkins Lymphoma and no longer a patient
in remission from Hodgkins.
Being a cancer survivor
changes your life. Every moment means something. Every decision you weigh
carefully. Sometimes I take life too seriously and sometimes I am impulsive,
without a care in the world. It is difficult tight rope to balance.
We are planning a
celebration for the five year anniversary. A fundraiser, a way to give back. A
way to recognize that I have beat this disease. I still feel like I am holding
my breath, waiting for something bad to happen. I don’t want to hold the event
too early, because what if. What if the cancer comes back. What if I have to face
it again? The chances and percentages are stacked against me regardless of the
number of months or years that go by.
I am grateful for so
many new experiences. Opportunities that I feel like I have been able to take,
that if my treatment had not been successful that we would not have been able
to complete. Items checked off on the bucket list.
I love watching golden
buzzer videos. Love seeing the looks on the performers faces when the golden
tickets come raining down. It is pure happiness. That is exactly how I felt
when learned that my twelve chemotherapy treatments were successful and I was
in remission, That is how I feel most every day. So grateful, so relieved and
so blessed to have the life that we do.
I wonder sometimes how
it feels after the golden buzzers and shows are all over and people go back to
living their old lives. How does it feel to go back to ordinary lives, with
real life worries and stress. After that moment of being on stage and having
that experience. It is hard going back. It hard to continue to seek those
golden buzzer moments. Your loved ones treat you differently. Sometimes it’s
like that after having cancer. You seek out many golden buzzer moments, you
seek out those feelings of exhilaration and happiness. You live your life just
a tiny bit differently, sometimes wanting and needing more. But worrying that
if you achieve it, that it will come to an end.
Life becomes a series of
bucket list moments because you are never really sure when you won’t be able to
continue checking off those items. I continue to try and live my life with
balance, without regret but with a new unwanted caution. The carefree attitude
changes with cancer. I have said to many people, I hate that it has done that
to me.
January 2, I have an
appointment at the cancer centre, every 6 months for 10 years, I will have
these appointments. They are anxiety provoking but after they are over, they
are affirming and a relief. I know in my heart, that all is ok. And that I have
2019 to look forward to. The year of the cure.
Merry Christmas and
Happy 2019.
